Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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