I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
