Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
