How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
