dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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