Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
