Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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