yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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