The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
