I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
