so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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