he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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