Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
