I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
