I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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