I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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