I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
