I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
