3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
