pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
