I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
