omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
