i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
