worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
