News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
