Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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