I faked an abortion last night.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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