Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
