Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
