I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everyone is single if you try hard enough
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
