if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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