here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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