Only a mothe r could love this liver
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she looked like the before picture.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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