he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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