I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
