areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
