fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
