I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Enjoy the penises
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
