i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
