I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
