I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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