i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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