Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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