at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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