so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
