I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
