i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
