I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
so much tequila, so little girl.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
