its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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