never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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