im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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