i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
