I want to make a zoo with you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
