They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
