Welp...herpes.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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