We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
