mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
