Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
