I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
