Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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