Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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