I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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