I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
