i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
